VINCELAND!'s topics - tribe.net

The Bell Has Rung In Portland.. Come Get Skooled!!!

gothiquebeauty — Wed, 17 Aug 2005 17:36:16 GMT

Date & Time:Friday, August 26, 2005
9:00 PM
Location:Dantes
1 SW 3rd
Portland, OR
More Info:(503)703-9441
www.smoochknob.com
Skooled! Naughty School Girl Party
@ Dantes August 26th!

Featuring The Naughty School Girls
With Performances by Smoochknob!
Plus Very Special Guests Cellar Door & Underide

Come dressed in your best Skooled outfit!
Prizes for top three School Girls!!!

This event is 21+ Doors open @ 9PM Tickets are $10 Onsale at all TicketsWest Locations or Call (503) 703-9441
For more information please visit www.smoochknob.com

Go RSVP... Do it Now!
http://portland.tribe.net/event/fa...af-5560-458f-91f7-3b827a10fe6e

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

DO NOT READ!

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:46:47 GMT

WELL, YOU NOSY LITTLE TURD. WHAT DID THE TITLE SAY? OR, DID YOU EVEN TAKE THE TIME TO READ THE TITLE? CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT, YOU KNOW. LUCKILY, YOU'RE NOT A CAT. BUT THAT IS A VAGUE STATEMENT. MAYBE YOUR CURIOSITY KILLED SOMEONE ELSE'S CAT. JUST THINK, HALFWAY ACROSS THE GLOBE, LITTLE 5-YEAR-OLD TATYANA IS PETTING HER KITTEN, FLUFFY, WHEN SUDDENLY, IT DROPS DEAD. SHE FREAKS OUT AND STARTS CRYING, RUNS OUT INTO THE STREET, GETS PLOWED BY A SEMI TRUCK, WHICH IN TURN JACKNIFES INTO A NEARBY HOUSE, TAKING OUT THE FIRE HYDRANT, MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT TO PUT THE FIRE OUT. NOW, EVERYBODY(THOSE STILL ALIVE) IS FRANTIC, NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING BUT ARGUE AND GET FRUSTRATED. IN THE MIDST OF THIS CHAOS, ONE OF THE FIREMEN FLIPS OUT AND STARTS HITTING PEOPLE; ANYONE WITHIN RANGE...,AN OLD LADY DROPS, THEN HER HUSBAND, AND A DOG (A REALLY SMALL, HELPLESS DOG). HIS CO-WORKERS TRY TO TACKLE HIM, BUT HE ESCAPES, JUMPS IN THE FIRETRUCK AND SPEEDS INTO THE CITY, WHERE HE THEN PROCEEDS TO BLARE THE HORN AND SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF TWO WINDOW WASHERS ON A SCAFFOLD 17 STORIES UP. THEY FALL, ONE NAILS A HOT DOG VENDOR, WHO AT THE TIME WAS SERVING AN IMPORTANT POLITICIAN A FOOTLONG WITH MUSTARD AND RELISH. THIS PARTICULAR POLITICIAN WAS SUPPOSED TO DELIVER A MESSAGE OF PEACE TO THE PRESIDENT. THE LETTER READ,"DEAR SIR, WE ARE OF NO THREAT, WE WANT NOTHING BUT THE BEST RELATIONS BETWEEN US". BUT SOME OF THE MUSTARD SMEARED HALF OF THE NOTE. INSTEAD, THE LETTER READ,"I HATE U".NOW, THE PRESIDENT IS PISSED. HE NUKES 'EM. THEIR ALLIES RETURN THE FAVOR, BUT MISS BY A LONG SHOT, SENDING THE NUKE INTO SPACE. IT SOON CATCHES UP TO THE MOON, BLOWS IT IN HALF, AN TOTALLY F***S UP THE GRAVITY BACK ON EARTH. NOW, EVERYBODY WEIGHS 3 TIMES MORE THAN THEY USED TO, AND FALL INTO A SUICIDAL STATE OF DEPRESSION. SOON THE ENTIRE PLANET OFFS THEMSELVES, AND IS ONCE AGAIN RULED BY MONKEYS. EVOLUTION HAS JUST TOOK A 2 MILLION YEAR LEAP BACKWARDS. WHY? BECAUSE YOU HAD TO READ THIS. WAY TO GO. SEE YOU IN 2 MILLION MORE YEARS, JERK.

posted in VINCELAND! - 14 replies

INTERVIEW!

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:59:13 GMT

Interview with the VINCE
By: The Guy

Guy: Hey, how’s it goin’?
VINCE: Good.
Guy: So, what’s it like in a day in the life of VINCE?
VINCE: Cool.
Guy: I guess what I mean is what do you do?
VINCE: Stuff.
Guy: Wow. Full of info.
VINCE: Yup.
Guy: OK, let’s move on. About VINCELAND. How might one go about getting in?
VINCE: The door.
Guy: So there’s no pre-requisites for access to VINCELAND?
VINCE: Not really.
Guy: What kind of things are required in order to be a resident?
VINCE: You need beer.
Guy: That’s it?
VINCE: And hot chicks.
Guy: Anything else?
VINCE: Maybe some video games.
Guy: What kind of games?
VINCE: Good ones.
Guy: Oh. So VINCELAND sounds like a pretty laid back place, but if all you do is drink beer, do hot chicks, and play video games all day, how does your economy stay stable?
VINCE: With money.
Guy: Where does the money come from?
VINCE: The bank.
Guy: OK, so you have investors and accountants taking care of your income?
VINCE: OK.
Guy: Rumor has it that you are the supreme ruler of all things in VINCELAND. Is that true?
VINCE: Hey, dumbass, what’s the name of the place you are talking about? VINCELAND. VINCELAND. Dumbass. On a scale of 1 to stupid, you definitely score a stupid.
Guy: Wow, I must have hit a nerve, there. Sorry.
VINCE: Blow me.
Guy: Can we just move on? You are also a tank enthusiast. What kind of tanks do you own?
VINCE: The kind that blows up dumbass journalists that ask stupid questions with obvious answers.
Guy: Is that a threat? Are you threatening me?
VINCE: Maybe. Do you consider yourself a dumbass journalist who asks stupid questions with obvious answers?
Guy: I wouldn’t say that.
VINCE: I probably would. Dumbass.
Guy: OK, I apologize for asking you that question earlier. How about this one: What is the best thing about being VINCE?
VINCE: The fact that I’m not you. Dumbass.
Guy: There’s got to be something good about being VINCE. Come on, name one.
VINCE: I’m serious. Do you think it’s easy dealing with dumbasses like you all day?
There are a lot of good things about being VINCE, but the best thing is definitely not being anyone else, because almost everyone else sucks. If I were anybody else, I would probably off myself.
Guy: So you wouldn’t consider yourself a people person?
VINCE: Right now, I am concentrating on making your face melt like ice cream on a hot summer day.
Guy: It doesn’t seem to be working (small chuckle).
VINCE: Give it time.
Guy: There’s an incident that involves you which is engulfed in controversy; what do you have to say about the fire at the patchouli factory back in the fall of ’97?
VINCE: If I had anything to do with starting that fire, I would have admitted it by now. All I did was try to help put it out. I thought it was a water supply. No one told me it was gasoline. You act like you are a fan of patchouli. What kind of sick person are you? Who do you really work for? Are you a hippie?
Guy: These accusations you are throwing at me, are they just a diversion for the truth?
VINCE: Don’t answer a question with a question. Only I can do that. I am VINCE. You are a hippie.
Guy: I am not a hippie!
VINCE: Then explain the dreadlocks.
Guy: That was a bet I lost! You couldn’t possibly think-
VINCE: Shut up. Hippie.
Guy: Quit calling me a hippie!
VINCE: What, does it make you angry? HIPPIE! HIPPIE! HIPPIE!
Guy: I am not a-
VINCE: A what, a hippie? The first step is to admit you are a hippie, the next is to bash yourself with a hammer.
Guy: What? This is supposed to be an interview! Who do you think-
VINCE: Oh, look what I have here, a hammer. Wanna check it out?
Guy: I am not going to bash myself with a hammer. Is it getting hot in here?
VINCE: No. Hmmm….Your face seems to be melting. You should get that checked out.

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

INTRO TO VINCE!

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:57:42 GMT

Introduction to VINCE

A Person
Contrary to the belief of some, VINCE is a real person. With the exception of having super human strength, unmatched beer chugging capabilities, and an unfathomable I.Q., he is just like you. VINCE (regrettably) breathes the air that you breathe, bleeds the same as you, and has feelings, just like you. OK, I lied about the feelings, but he did bleed once. VINCE sees everybody as equal, directly under him. VINCE is and always will be higher on the food chain than you. But don’t let that bother you, just accept it as fact. The importance of VINCE to the universe is very high, which is because everything revolves around him. Do not worry about the stability of the universe, VINCE is virtually indestructible. VINCE is the leader, the one, the man.

A Philosophy
“Let those who choose to live differently, live somewhere else.” A very sound and simple way of living which focuses mainly on video games, hippie hunting, and the prodigious consumption of beer. That which does not kill you can only make you stronger, so as long as beer doesn’t kill you, it will affect you the same way spinach affects Popeye. The VINCE philosophy has been successful since the dawn of time…Well, maybe not that long, but quite awhile. Those who follow the VINCE philosophy find themselves with less stress, better health(except maybe the liver, but who needs one of those?), and improved reflexes for dodging and attacking the zombies when they come.

The Power of VINCE
You can be touched by VINCE in many ways. It is different for everybody, depending on whether VINCE likes you or not. Regardless of how you are VINCE’d, being VINCE’d is the best thing that could happen in your life, for you will be changed forever. Upon being VINCE’d, decisions will be more fortunate for your future, mistakes will be minimized, and your hair will grow back. The power of VINCE is not a power to be taught, it is a power to be recognized. It is a power to be respected. It is a force not to be reckoned with. The power of VINCE will always benefit the people of VINCELAND; first VINCE, then everybody else, if he feels like it. The power of VINCE compels you.

The Anti-VINCE
The anti-VINCE is an evil. A patchouli wearing, Zima drinking, small dog owning, Miata driving, limp-wristed, vegetarian evil. He’ll smile on your face, while his pack of insignificant small dogs hump your leg. He will do anything to tempt you to step over to the dark side, whether it’s explicit pain, blackmail, or his personal favorite, loosening you up with a few Zimas. No matter how hard he tries, you cannot give in to the anti-VINCE. The pain will recede, the blackmails will never happen, and the Zima can be chased with an ice-cold Budweiser. The anti-VINCE has the power to take on many forms like hippie, shopping mall survey taker, Elvis impersonator, and many other atrocious forms of inexcusable filth. Don’t trust any of these when you see them, they can be very deceiving. Take the hippie disguise, for example. He seems pretty laid back, minds his own business, and just hacky-sacks all day. WRONG! That’s only on the outside. He’s really plotting your downfall! The second you stop to respond to his so-called “hello”, you will be pulled into a world where you can do nothing but sit in drum circles and protest loggers. If you are ever confronted by what you think is, or a disciple of, the anti-VINCE, call Dave. He’ll take care of everything.

So you can see VINCE has an incredible impact on everything in the universe. Without VINCE, the possibilities for irreversible imperfections are virtually endless. Picture it like this: you, a fan, and everything else is on one end of a see-saw, and VINCE and shit on the other. If you attempt to get rid of VINCE, all that’s left is shit, which will hit the fan only after it rolls downhill into you. So I mean it when I say it: don’t mess with VINCE or VINCE’s shit.

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

TAKE A LOOKSY...

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:51:59 GMT

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL RESIDENTS OF VINCELAND!

IN THE EVENT OF A NATURAL DISASTER SUCH AS TORNADOES, MONSOONS, GIANT HAILSTORMS, POLAR ICECAP MELTING, BAD HAIR DAYS, TIDAL WAVES, HOLES IN SOCKS, BROKEN NAILS, HURRICANES, HIPPIE REVOLT, TYPHOONS, SPILLED BEER, EARTHQUAKES, INTER-PLANETARY INVASION BY GIANT CARNIVOROUS MUTANT BUNNY RABBITS, STUBBED TOE, VOLCANIC ERUPTONS, FLASH FLOODING, SQUIRREL ATTACK, DROUGHT, OR BROKEN T.V. REMOTE, CALL DAVE. PLEASE SEE THE PHOTO GALLERY TO FIND DAVE.

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

I'D RATHER...

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:50:39 GMT

I'd rather be f*&%ing your wife but...

I don't have a key to her cage.

Your daughter just turned 18!

The line's too damn long.

I'm afraid the donkey may have given her fleas.

Your daughter swallows.

I heard that saint bernards are very territorial.

Sex with sheep is not my idea of fun.

I have to give myself a root canal.

All that facial hair just bugs me.

Wait, no I wouldn't.

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

FUCK OFF.

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:50:00 GMT

F*&% Off.

There's a time and a place for everything. And right here, right now, you should f*&% off.

I got an idea, but I'm gonna need your help. What I'm gonna need you to do is f*&% off.

Message from upper management: F*&% Off.

Your spouse just called. They wanted me to tell you to f*&% off.

....And as soon as you're done with what you're doing, why don't you go ahead and f*&% off.

If you could accomplish one thing in life, you should definitely make sure to f*&% off.

'Just got done talkin' to God. He thinks you should f*&% off.

Why don't you do me a favor and f*&% off.

I'm making it my responsibility to tell you to f*&% off.

....So I was mowing my lawn the other day and----F&%$ OFF!

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

NAH, BABY...

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:49:29 GMT

NAH, BABY, YOU AIN’T FAT…

1. EVERYBODY BLEEDS GRAVY.

2. IT’S NORMAL TO BREAK A SWEAT WHEN YOU TALK.

3. I’M SURE LOT’S OF PEOPLE WHEEZ WHEN THEY EAT.

4. YOU JUST BIG-BONED…, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, BIG-BONED.

5. YOU JUST AIN’T SKINNY…. AT ALL.

6. I, TOO, CAN EAT A WHOLE TURKEY IN ONE SITTING.

7. THIS COULDN’T BE THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE LOST A COUCH UNDER THEIR ASS.

8. THEY DESIGNED THOSE THEATER SEATS SO THAT YOU HAVE TO USE TWO.

9. ELEVATORS ALWAYS SCREAM BEFORE PEOPLE GET IN.

10. THEY WERE GONNA CLOSE THE BUFFET EARLY ANYWAY.

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

WARNING!

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:48:48 GMT

WARNING:

If you have opened this tribe to do more than look at the pretty pictures (like read), you may find some or all of it’s contents offensive. Just to let you know, the following pages may cause heart failure, drooling, uncontrollable flatulence, rectal convulsions, hair loss, seizures, bunions, aneurisms, projection vomiting, induced labor, and other kind of bad things. There, I warned you. Now you can’t sue me. Ha. Piss off. If you have any problems, questions, or complaints with the contents of this tribe, please call the sissy support line listed at the bottom of this page. Thank you, and enjoy.

Sissy support line:
1-800-I-AM-A-BIG-SISSY
(Be sure to leave a brief message along with your home address so we can beat you up promptly)

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

TEN COMMANDMENTS!

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Thu, 05 May 2005 19:43:56 GMT

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (OF VINCELAND)

1.THOU SHALT NOT DRINK ZIMA.

2.THOU SHALT NOT WEAR THONG UNDERWEAR UNLESS THINE IS FEMALE AND THINE BUTTOCKS IS EXAMINED BY THE HIGH PRIEST FOR APPROVAL (THAT WOULD BE VINCE).

3.THOU SHALT NOT KILL. UNLESS IT'S A SPIDER. I HATE SPIDERS.

4.THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR UNLESS THY NEIGHBOR IS A PAIR OF HOT CHICKS LOOKING TO SCORE.

5.THOU SHALT LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS IF THEY WERE A BROTHER; AS LONG AS THY NEIGHBOR HAS BEER.

6.THOU SHALT NOT WEAR MISMATCH SOCKS.

7.THOU SHALT NOT FEED DRY OATMEAL TO BIRDS. ALKA-SELTZER WORKS BETTER.

8.THOU SHALT NOT ATTEMPT TO HIDE THE FACT THAT THINE IS DUMB IF THINE IS INDEED DUMB.

9.THOU SHALT NOT DISOBEY THE REQUESTS OF THE HIGH PRIEST FOR HE IS THE SOUL MESSENGER OF RESIEWDUB, THE GOD OF ALL THINGS THAT ARE COOL.

10.THOU SHALT NOT REPEAT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF VINCELAND TO ANYONE OR THINE HEAD WILL EXPLODE, THINE TESTICLES WILL TURN INSIDE OUT(IF APPLICABLE), AND THINE WILL NEVER GET LAID EVER AGAIN. AND THAT WOULD JUST SUCK.

posted in VINCELAND! - 0 replies

WELCOME!

VINCE-MOFAKKA — Wed, 04 May 2005 20:05:44 GMT

WELCOME TO VINCELAND! WHERE YOUR HEAD SWELLS TO A DISPROPORTIONATE SIZE FULL OF SELF-IMPORTANCE AND VANITY!
I AM VINCE; YOUR RULER AND THE KING OF SELF-DILLUTED GRANDEUR. WHILE RESIDING IN VINCELAND, YOU WILL NEED TO REMEMBER A FEW SIMPLE FACTS:

1.VINCE IS COOL. HE WILL ALWAYS BE COOLER THAN YOU.

2.VINCE IS THE MAN. YOU ARE NOT.

3.YOU MUST GREET VINCE WITH GIFTS SUCH AS BEER AND HOT CHICKS.

4.VINCE KNOWS KUNG FU AND WILL DO A JUMPING 360 ROUNDHOUSE TO YOUR HEAD IF YOU OPPOSE HIM.

5.VINCE WILL HUMP YOUR GIRLFRIEND. SHE WILL LIKE IT.

6.YOU MUST ALWAYS LET VINCE WIN AT VIDEO GAMES, OR...(SEE # 4).

7.EVERYBODY LIKES VINCE. NOBODY WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.

8.VINCE LIKES TO BLOW STUFF UP, SO YOU MAY BE ASKED TO VOLUNTEER TO BE PART OF "THE SHOW".

9.VINCE HAS REVISED THE TEN COMMANDMENTS TO BETTER FIT VINCELAND. STUDY THEM CAREFULLY.

10.DO WHAT VINCE SAYS AND YOU AND VINCE WILL GET ALONG JUST FINE.

11.VINCE KNOWS A LOT OF STUFF. YOU ARE DUMB.

12.IF YOU BRING ANY DOG SMALLER THAN TEN (10) POUNDS TO VINCELAND, IT WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE ENROLLED IN THE "DOGGY VERSUS ANGRY TIGERS" GLADIATORIAL TOURNAMENT.

13.EVERYTHING VINCE DOES HAS A REASON. IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE THINGS HE DOES, JUST SMILE, NOD, AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY.

14.VINCE IS ALSO THE HIGH PRIEST OF VINCELAND. IF YOU NEED YOUR ALCOHOL BLESSED, SEE THE HIGH PRIEST.

15.IN ADDITION TO HIGH PRIEST, VINCE IS THE JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER OF ALL VIOLATORS OF VINCELAND. ENDING RESULTS OF ALL TRIALS ARE USUALLY PRETTY COOL AS LONG AS YOUR NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL.

16.IF YOU ARE A HOT CHICK, YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO VISIT THE OFFICE OF THE HIGH PRIEST FOR A THOROUGH EXAMINATION OF....WELL, JUST GO SEE THE HIGH PRIEST.

17.IF YOU OWN A TANK, YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LET VINCE DRIVE IT. VINCE LIKES TANKS.

18.IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN SELF-DEFENSE, YOU CAN ENROLL IN VINCE'S SHIN-KICKING, EYE-GOUGING AND "WHAT'S THAT?" SUCKER-PUNCHING CLASSES.

19.IF YOU NEED HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, NEED TO CLEAN UP DOG POOH, OR NEED A DIVERSION
IN THE EVENT OF AN INTER-PLANETARY INVASION BY GIANT CARNIVOROUS MUTANT BUNNY RABBITS,
MIDGETS ARE AVAILABLE FOR RENT IN THE MAIN LOBBY.

20.IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, LEAVE.

posted in VINCELAND! - 1 reply